


Denial

by usedupshiver



Series: Drowning Sorrows [13]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Cold is the new hot, Loki Feels, Loki has a heart too, M/M, Smut, Tony Feels, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 07:33:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2183286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usedupshiver/pseuds/usedupshiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Out of sight and out of mind. That's the way Tony likes to treat anything he doesn't really understand. Including his own feelings.<br/>But Loki is not the kind that takes well to being denied.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Denial

”Isn't it about time you told them?”

”They'd flip and you know it, Steve.”

” _I_ didn't.”

”It was pretty close, though. And you are the sane one, you know. Why do you think I told you, and not one of the others?”

”Banner -”

”He sure is sane. But you know who isn't? Yeah, that's right... I'll pass, thank you.”

”You can't keep hiding with him here, Tony. You'll go stir crazy. And by 'you', I mean both of you.”

”He gets out. Sometimes. Like right now. Not as much as he used to, because he's pretty much done all he can with the magic, I think. For now. But he circles the block now and then.”

”That's not enough. And you don't get out at all. I know. JARVIS told me.”

”Damnit! Can't I be trusted to take care of myself any more?”

”I'd say you never really were.”

”Thanks a bunch, Steve. Really.”

”I only say this because I care, you know that, right?”

A sigh.

”And not just about you, Tony. I never thought I'd say it, but, well, you know... I like him. He's a friend now.”

”I know. And I'm pretty sure he likes you to.”

”You think?”

”Hey! Rein in that smile! Makes me jealous enough, you two whispering over your damn maps all the time.”

” _Tony!_ I don't even -”

”Easy, old man! Don't pop a vein. Just a joke. Promise. But, yeah, I do think he likes you.”

”Oh.”

”He really does grow on you, doesn't he?”

”Seems like it.”

”But no, I'm not coming out. Not now, not ever.”

”Coming out? Tony? You don't really think they'd... You know? Judge you? Do you? On the basis of him being, well, a he?”

”What?! No! I don't. Actually. Anyway, that's not the part I worry about. But you know how it is. Banner can't control himself. Romanoff, well you never know where you have her. Barton would rip his throat out with his teeth if he got half a chance. And that's before any of them even had the time to think about the... Intimate part of it.”

”Well, maybe if -”

”Steve. Seriously now. You know I'm right. Just drop it, will you? If you need me to suit up, you know you can call me, day or night. Always. But until then, I'm staying here. And that's that.”

”All right. I'll drop it. For now.”

Tony rubbed his hand over his face, leaning back in the chair by the workbench. ”Guess that's the best I'm getting out of you, then?”

”Guess it is.”

”Well. I'll take it. For now.” Tony looked up, giving a wry smile. ”Now get out. I need to work.”

”Bye, Tony.” Steve's smile was just a bit sad.

”Bye, Cap.”

But even when he was left alone in the workshop again, Tony couldn't get much work done. He mostly sat staring at the helmet in front of him, cicuits and wires staring back at him, wondering why it felt like everything he was saying these days was ”no”. 

No, I don't want to tell anyone.

No, I don't want to go out.

No, I don't know what's going on.

No, I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

Even though the last answers were for himself. And they bothered him most of all. Along with the questions which had no yes-or-no answer, all of the ”why?” questions. He had nothing to give them when they came along.

Tony wished there would come a question he could answer with a _”Yes!”._

But he had no idea what kind of question that would be. Except maybe ”do you want to give up on this tinkering for the day and go get yourself a drink?”.

Yes!

* * *

”What did Rogers want?”

”He - Wait, what? How do you even know he was here?”

”JARVIS told me.”

”Damnit! He's turning into a real gossip. I swear, I'll have to do something about that. Maybe tomorrow, if I can just tweak the -”

”Enough evasion. I asked you a rather simple question.”

”Fine! He wants me to tell the others. About you.”

”And you will not?”

”Why should I? Nothing good would come out of that. I don't even think I should have to explain that to you. You've met them, after all. The whole bunch of heroic misfits. They don't like you, you don't like them. Isn't that just about enough?”

”I like Rogers.”

”Yeah. And he likes you. But Steve is... Well, he's Steve. It's impossible not to like him. I meant the rest.”

”Ashamed of me?”

” _What!?_ ” Tony turned around in the bed, sat up and glared down at Loki's face, glowing a ghostly shade of pale blue in the light of the arc reactor. ” _No!_ Of course I'm not fucking ashamed, of you, or anything! Don't you ever even dare say that again!”

”Why, then?”

”Because... They won't understand, and I'd have to explain, and I don't know how. And I don't want to.”

”If you are trying to convince me – or yourself – that you feel no shame, this is the wrong way to do it, Anthony.”

”It's not because I'm ashamed! Why should I be?”

”But...?”

”But they are all about the facts! Scientists and spies. The lot of them. And you know what? So am I. And I can't tell them the facts of this. I can't give a rational explanation. For my part, or for yours. You should have just killed me that first night. You know, to be realistic. That would have made a hell of a lot more sense.”

”Do you really expect me to do the sensible thing?”

”Honestly? Yes, yes, I sort of do. I said it before, you're a perceptive piece of shit. And when you give yourself time to think, you sure know the right thing to do. But in this case, I actually meant that it would have been more likely. I did kind of cross every line possible.”

”Perhaps I wanted you to?”

”You see? That's not a rational explanation. At all!”

”What would be rational?”

”I don't even know! That's the thing! When someone asks me 'why', I want to be able to tell them. Or find out.”

Loki sat up, facing him. ”And is that not what we have been doing since? Finding out why?”

”I guess. But I'm still nowhere close.”

Loki looked at him for a few moments, eyes black and impossible to read in the strange light. ”No”, he finally said, very softly. ”You are not.” Then he folded the covers away, threw his legs off the bed, stood and walked out.

Tony heard the door to the front room of the suite close behind him. For a long time, he couldn't do anything but stare into the darkness, wondering what the hell had just happened. He even lay back down on the mattress, thinking he would go back to sleep, before the part of him that knew better kicked him out of the bed.

There was enough of the city light outside falling in through the window in the next room to show him Loki standing by it, arms crossed over his chest, staring into the night.

”I'm in trouble, aren't I?”

Loki slowly shook his head, but didn't turn. Tony just saw the black hair, now long enough to come tumbling down over his shoulders, move with it.

”Of course not.” There might have been a sigh somewhere around there. ”I am.”

That was not even slightly what Tony had expected to hear, and he had no idea what to say. He just stared at the tall figure by the window, naked skin reflecting the light.

”Go back to bed, Anthony.”

”You coming?”

The silence felt really, really long.

”No. I wish to be alone.” He turned enough to show his profile, but still not looking over his shoulder. ”Please. Go back.”

The ”please” made Tony decide to turn and leave, no protests given. They didn't exactly throw that word around. Both of them hated saying it, at least when they really meant it, and when it was spoken, it was enough to make an impression.

Under the covers, curled up around a pillow that still smelled of the man who had just left it, Tony tried to go to sleep. It didn't work very well. His heart was beating strangely, the rythm of it seemed somehow off, and he couldn't relax. In his head the thoughts wouldn't be still either. He had done something wrong, somewhere, but what? Every time he thought he understood, it just slipped away from him.

Like everything.

_(”I wish to be alone.”)_

_(No, no, no! Don't! Come back! Don't leave!)_

Tony didn't really fall asleep, but somewhere he drifted off, thoughts blurring into half dreams. Where the naked figure by the window shifted into a turned, armoured back, walking away from him. But in the dream he couldn't get the word out to stop it, as he had done in real life, and then he was left alone.

He woke with a start, his heart beating itself senseless against his ribs.

He was still alone in the room. The clock told him he had been back in bed for almost three hours. Suddenly, he just couldn't take it anymore. 

Tony got up, opened the door, and looked out in the room. Grey, predawn light was falling in through the glass now, and Loki was still standing by the window. In the exact same fucking spot. Tony could have bet anything he hadn't even moved a muscle in those three hours.

_(At least he didn't leave... I guess that's something?)_

”Why are you in trouble?”

Loki's head whipped around. Clearly, he hadn't heard Tony coming out of the bedroom, too lost in thought to notice the real world. His eyes were huge and dark staring at Tony. Then he went back to looking out over the city.

”I am not a patient creature, Anthony. I wasn't made for waiting.” His voice sounded distant. ”Somehow, I made myself think I could, this time. Wait to be asked. Or told. But I no longer think I can.”

Tony was at a complete loss.

”You were right. It would, somehow, have made more sense for me to kill you that night. And the reason I didn't, it was not rational. It was simply because you reached out to touch me.”

Tony swallowed back some all too rational protests.

But it was like Loki had heard them anyway.

”Oh, I know. It was not for my benefit. Merely curiosity guiding your hand. But the outcome was the same; it made me come back for more. And then to reach out to touch you.” Loki finally faced him then. His brow was knitted, the thin mouth twisting around the words, like he was in pain. ”To open you up. Get inside your defenses. All of them.”

Tony still had no words. He could hardly breathe now.

”That could have been for power, and I suppose that would have been rational. But it never was. I simply wanted to touch you, as you had touched me.” Loki shrugged. ”Tonight, I realized I have not. Because it makes no sense to you.”

True. It hadn't made sense. But somewhere, slowly, Tony could feel it starting to. Not the rational kind of sense, but the sort of sense that didn't need to be.

”Not even when I dismantled my own defenses did it make sense to you.” A soft huff of a laugh found its way out through the tortured lips. ”I have bared everything. With your help. I have never been naked in as many ways as I have been with you.”

”I thought it would be enough.” Loki's gaze fell to the floor somewhere between them. ”Strange, since I know nothing ever is.”

Tony prided himself with being a genious. Because he was. No-one could ever say any different. Except Loki, who had always called him ”a foolish creature”. And now Tony knew he had been right to.

He was a fool. A blind fool.

He had spent so long swallowing his hopes, washing them down with scotch, that he had almost forgotten what hope could actually taste like.

Even when he had tried telling himself the truth, he'd swallowed it down. Drowned it out. Even when Loki had tried telling him.

_("There are things to keep the nightmares at bay.")_

 _("Everything could go wrong, Anthony!")_

_("That sure you'll hurt me?" "It is what monsters do, and we both know it.")_

Loki had been trying to tell him he made a difference.

And he hadn't been talking about just broken windows or broken bones, had he? He hadn't just been worried about Tony being broken, had he?  


Because, let's face it, Tony was kind of the monster here, wasn't he? Loki had never taken more than he was offered. Tony had taken everything. Not even realizing that he had.  


A blind, greedy fool.

This was why Tony Stark didn't do love - he couldn't figure it out. He couldn't weigh or measure it. Compare it to any set scale. Pick it apart and find out what made it tick. It didn't abide by any laws of nature known to man. It was an unsolvable equation.  


What the hell kind of use was something you couldn't understand?  


So he had just denied the existance of it.  


No, no love here. Nothing even remotely like it. 

Sure, he wanted to spend every waking, and sleeping, moment with Loki. Wanted to know every inch of him. Wanted to take part of that strange, sparkling mind.

But, you know, things like that don't really mean anything! Do they?  


When Loki had said everything was a game, Tony had denied it. And then just continued to play.  


Bloody stupid, blind, greedy fool!  


Just the worst kind of fool there was.  


"Damn." Tony felt his knees go weak. "I need to sit down."  


He just managed to get himself over to the footstool by one of the armchairs in the room, and almost fell down on it. He could hardly feel his legs. His face felt numb and tingling. Black touched the edges of his field of vision. With his elbows on his knees he leaned forward, trying to breathe. If he didn't he was going to pass out, and he knew it.  


When there were no dark spots crawling around on the floor anymore, Tony slowly sat up straight again.  


Loki was watching him, still as a statue.  


"If I get up again, I'll just keel over. Could you come over here?" Tony swallowed. "Please?"  


He didn't move right away, and Tony's heart almost stopped, but then Loki shifted his weight, turned, and walked across the room. He sat down on the chair next to Tony, and then turned Tony, stool and all, around to face him, Tony's legs between his, Loki's hands resting against the outside of Tony's thighs.  


Loki's face was tense, his lips still a bit twisted, even in silence.  


"It didn't make sense to me. You're right about that. But you're wrong, too, because you have anyway. Touched me, I mean. Me not being able to know it doesn't make it less true."  


No change in Loki's face. But Tony thought he saw a glint of something in the wide eyes.  


"I love you." He let the words out before he had a chance to change his mind about doing it. For once, he managed to meet the green gaze head on, not shifting away. And he was happy about that. "Naked or armoured. Blue or pale. The lie and the truth. Just... All of it."  


Very slowly, gradually, Loki's face softened. The thin lips relaxed, parted. Just as slowly, his hands moved up, past Tony's hips, along the outside of his arms, shoulders, neck, closing around his head.  


"And I love you. All of you."  


"And you have the gall to call _me_ strange."  


"Shut up, Anthony." But there was a smile playing in the corners of Loki's mouth as he said it.  


"Make me."  


Loki pulled on him then, leaning him forward, and then kept going, until Tony had to get off the stool to keep his balance. The hands left his temples and caught his waist, almost lifting him into the armchair, straddling Loki's legs, and then the fingers returned to his head, slipping into his hair.  


Loki guided Tony's lips onto his. Shutting him up. Taking his mouth for his own. When the tips of their tongues touched, it was just like the first time. A current passing through them, Loki's arms tensing, pulling him closer, Tony's knees pushing against Loki's hips. Tony gripped Loki's shoulders, desperate for something solid to hold on to as he angled his head, searching for more of Loki's mouth, moaning against it.  


Without letting his lips go, Loki moved his hands again, to slip them in under the top of Tony's legs, lifting him as Loki stood up. Tony gripped harder, with hands and legs, even though he didn't have to. Loki had him.  


It made him feel small, being carried like that. But he didn't mind. Oddly enough.  


Usually, he wanted to be big. Bold. Take up every and any available space. But now, the only space that really mattered was the center of the chest he was held against. And if he could fill that space, it was all right to be small. Curled up. Weightless. So he would never be a burden on it.  


That was the strangest train of thought ever to have passed the station of Tony's mind. He hardly recognized it as his own, but he knew it was. And there was, finally, no denying that fact.  


It was both completely terrifying and the greatest relief ever.  


When Tony finally managed to take his lips off Loki's, they were on the bed, placed on their sides. Tangled, even the long black hair caught in his, their bodies flush against each other. He pulled back enough to meet the green eyes, without his own crossing with the closeness.  


"Best way of shutting me up, ever."  


"Almost."  


Tony laughed. "Yeah, all right, almost. I guess. But you know it'll never last either way, right?"  


"I know. That gives me more oppurtunities to shut you up. It is perfect, truly."  


Loki angled his hip in, pressing a hot erection against Tony's thigh. He hadn't even noticed before, caught up in the kissing.  


"You really like shutting me up, don't you?"  


"Oh, I do. And when I can manage to do it without even touching that mouth of yours, I like it even better."  


"Know what? I feel another challenge coming on."  


"Really, now? I would never have guessed."  


"Sure. It's not like you set it up or anything."  


"Me? That's hurtful, Anthony." Loki pushed him down on his back, leaning over him to brush lips over his neck.  


"I'm not even slightly sorry."  


"You will be." The lips gave way to teeth catching the sensitive skin almost behind his jaw, angling his head to the side.  


Tingling chills ran down the side of Tony's body, and he was already sure who would win this challenge. But he still wouldn't forfeit. Of course.  


"You'll have to prove that as well."

”With pleasure.” 

Loki left his body long enough to reach into the nightstand for the lube. Then he knelt between Tony's legs, his own under Tony's thighs, holding them slightly up and apart. He applied the slippery substance to his fingers, turning a raised eyebrow on Tony.

”Have you been shut up already?”

Tony snorted. ”Not likely! I'm just enjoying the view.” He moved his eyes pointedly over the pale form in front of him. ”I'm really starting to get the kneeling thing, you know? It is sort of satisfying.”

”Well. That is good to know. It would be a shame if the only man I willingly kneel for did not appreciate it.”

”Oh, I do. No doubt about that!”

”Excellent.” Loki raised himself up on is knees then, lifting Tony's legs in the movement, leaning over Tony to place his left hand by his shoulder. ”Then I stay on my knees a while longer.”

”That's -” Tony sucked in a sharp breath as a finger was pushed into him. ”Nice! Oh, fuck!”

”All in good time.” Slowly, Loki lowered himself onto his elbow instead, so his mouth could return to explore Tony's neck, while his finger (no, you know what, make that fingers) did their work.

And Tony didn't shut up. He didn't exactly _talk_ as such, but there was a more or less constant commentary falling from his lips, sometimes louder, sometimes just mumbled or muttered, depending on what he had to cover. 

Despite his delight in trying to shut him up, Loki seemed to enjoy listening as well. Especially when he replaced his fingers with his cock, and Tony became even more vocal. Loki was still kneeling over him, Tony's legs around his hips now instead of resting over his thighs, and he placed his elbows by his shoulders, framing Tony's head with his forearms and hands.

”Keep talking, while you can”, Loki mumbled in his ear, between one comment and another, as he was almost lazily finding his rythm. ”Enjoy it.”

”I do.” Tony tangled his hands into Loki's hair, holding his head close. ”I enjoy all of this. And I don't see any way this could shut me up. I could tell you about the glory of this forever, and I -”

That was when it suddenly felt like his ass just... Froze over. And Tony's words spun away from him faster than he could have even imagined.

_Holy fucking hell!_

He had thought Loki could only do that with his _hands_! Obviously, he had been wrong. Again. Totally, completely, utterly wrong.

This time, Tony hadn't already been driven to the brink of insanity by that frosty touch, so he thought he would actually be able to stand more of it. At least more than last time, when just a single, slim finger entering him had made him surrender almost instantly. But with this amount of sensitive nerve endings exposed at once? Yeah, he wouldn't be able to stand a lot more. He could already feel the overpowering sensory overload coming on, fast.

”That's... Cheating!” The words were barely recognizable, already, slurred and forced out of him. Yeah, he was losing it.

”Cheating... Implies... _Rules_.” Loki's sharp teeth nipped at his earlobe. ”There... Are... None!”

Obviosly, this thing had a similar effect on Loki. He sounded almost on the verge of losing his ability to speak as well. But he was holding on better than Tony was. And anyway, this challenge wasn't about getting _Loki_ to shut up. If he reduced himself to dying animal noises in the process didn't matter, he would still win.

Tony pushed his head back into the pillow, whining helplessly between every panting breath.

Loki moved to look down at his face. ”Speak now. If you can.” He laughed breathlessly against Tony's lips when the only thing heard was a completely meaningless moan. ”Again. Try... As best you can. Again!”

Another moan, louder, but even less articulate. If a moan even could be to begin with.

”Now, then. To shut you up. All together.”

And then Loki pulled out slightly, shifted his angle, and hit just the best and worst spot of all.

Tony opened his mouth to scream. Not a sound came out of him. Not even air. And in that breathelss, soundless, otherworldly moment, he came.

Loki's laugh was only cut off when his next thrust went deep again, followed by Loki groaning, pressing his face against Tony's, and what felt like a rush of icewater filled Tony. Then Loki turned warm inside him again, letting his shocked, stressed body finally relax completely under Loki's weight.

They didn't move for a long time, and when they did, it was once more Loki carrying Tony. This time into the shower. A hot one.

Resting his head against Loki's shoulder as the gentle hands washed him clean, Tony was still quiet. Even keeping his eyes closed. And when Loki had to help him keep on his feet as he dried himself off. His hands where so weak he could hardly hold the towel. Loki laughed at his fumbling movements, but kindly, and supported him as they walked back to the bed.

When Tony had flopped down on the mattress, bonelessly, Loki curled up behind him.

”Did I really shut you up all together?” The words were warm in Tony's hair.

It took some effort, but Tony managed to get on his back and tip his head to the side, so he could face Loki.

”Pretty damn close.” He lifted a weak hand to slip it in under Loki's cheek on the pillow. ”That's okay, though. I think I got to say the most important things earlier anyway.”

”You did.” 

Loki smiled, the softest, sweetest smile Tony had ever seen on his face. He couldn't resist reaching over to kiss that smile. Get a taste of it.

It tasted almost as sweet as it looked.

* * *

”All right. So. This is the first time you have actually invited me over in... Pretty much forever.”

”Is it? Huh. Hadn't thought of it. But I guess it is. Sorry, Cap.”

”Sorry? Really? What's going on, Tony?”

”Yeah, well, I've been thinking. More than usual, actually. And I decided you were right.”

”Hold on.” Steve took a step closer and sat himself on the edge of the workbench. ”I must be feeling faint. I thought I just heard you say I was right? Could you repeat that? Or give it to me in writing?”

”No way in hell. But I figured there is no use keeping this up. Sooner or later they will find out anyway, right? They always do. Scientists and spies. The lot of them.”

”You don't have to convince me.”

”I know. That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking you to convince them.”

”Hold on! What?”

”Your idea, Steve. Only right that you take the first blow. Hide behind that fancy shield of yours if you have to.”

”Stark!”

”Rogers! I'm serious. Help me out here.” Tony leaned forward in his chair, palms pressed together, fingertips by his mouth. ”Please?”

”'Sorry', 'you're right', and 'please'? All in the same converstion?” Steve frowned. ”Are you dying, or something?”

”No more than usual.”

”You really, really don't want to be the one to tell them, do you?”

”I really, really don't.”

Steve hid his eyes behind a hand, thumb and fingertips rubbing his temples.

”They'll take it better from you anyway.”

”I wish I could argue with that. I really do. But they will.”

”You will do it then?”

”Sure, Tony.” The hand fell, and the blue eyes caught Tony's dark ones. ”But you owe me. Big time.”

”I already did. For before. Add it to my tab.”

Rogers shook his head, weary, and started walking out.

”Steve?”

”Yeah?” The blond head turned to show the perfectly chiseled profile.

”Thank you.”

”Sure you're well?”

”Never been better, Cap.”

”You're welcome.”

When the elevator doors had closed, Tony heard and felt the green flare of magic behind him. Long, pale hands moved into his peripheral vision, to place themselves over his shoulders.

”He will do it?”

”Yeah. Knew he would. If I played nice.”

”And are you still worried?”

Tony tilted his head all the way back, smiling up at Loki's upsidedown face. ”Not even slightly.”

”Why is that?”

”Because whatever they ask, I know the answer now.”

Loki returned his smile. ”Sometimes I think you told me you love me, simply because you hate to be without an answer.”

”I'm really that bad?”

”Yes.”

”And yet _I'm_ the one with a strange taste in men?”

Loki laughed, leaned forward, and placed a kiss on his forehead, before dissolving into the green again.

Tony sat up straight, getting back to work, still smiling. He guessed he did have a strange taste in men, after all. And even with Steve's help, he was going to have his work cut out for him standing up for that taste.

”Worth it, though”, he told the visor staring up at him from the bench. ”Totally fucking worth it.”

**Author's Note:**

> All right, sweethearts! It seems 13 is a lucky number, because that is as good as it gets. At least for now.
> 
> I'm going to be leaving Drowning Sorrows to rest up a bit, and go on to work on something new. (Still featuring my boys, though!) It's very possible that I will return for more of this, but don't expect it to be too soon.
> 
> A HUGE thank you goes out to everyone who came along for this crazy ride! I've had insane amounts of fun, and I'm seriously so touched by all the love it's recieved from you guys.  
> I'll let you know when there is more to come, all right?


End file.
